1. Intro

Yes, that is how I felt really. The first time he did it, when he said "I'm afraid you don't get any choice in the matter" it completely took the wind out of my sails, and I felt absolutely as if he was correct, there wasn't anything to argue about, and it made me feel very calm and accepting. It does sound as if your wife is rather like me in her dislike of authority, it was one of the things that made me have very confused feelings about my yearnings for an authoritarian man in my life. I've never liked being told what to do, so how could I want a man to tell me what to do? And if I did want him to tell me what to do, why did I dislike it when he did? It was all rather confusing really. Now I have it clear in my mind what I want, and have found that my husband can give it to me, we get on much better and there is much less tension.

2. No room for argument

Not that I would want to give the impression that our life is one of unruffled calm. We are both still very highly-strung people, and tempers fray very easily, but nothing ever seems to get to that frenzied state of fury that it used to in the past, it just gets nipped in the bud before it reaches that stage. My husband doesn't let his temper get out of control, and he doesn't let mine either. That he can rein me in as well as himself is such a pleasurable thing, it makes me smile just thinking about it. I am glad that you and your wife are working things out and I hope you continue to enjoy your life together. Increased enjoyment of each other has been one of the nicest things about this change in our relationship.

3. Possibly a second explanation for your reaction?

First of all, thank you very much, Louise, for your posting. I'm a male reader who is working with his wife of a couple of decades to re-establish the male dominant dynamics that made our several year pre-marriage dating period so pleasurable for both of us. As such, I'm actively seeking information about what works and doesn't work for others so that I can evaluate what may be appropriate for our situation. Anyway, the reason for my follow up comment is to inquire about a reaction I had to your posting above. While there were other thoughts and ideas expressed, one central theme seemed to be that you respond so much better to your husband now that he addresses you with a calm, direct demeanor rather than exhibiting an out-of-control form of anger or frustration. One of your other posts mentions that your husband has a very short temper which I presume has been tempered by following a Taken In Hand approach. I, too, have a short temper to which my wife has never responded well. Now that I am very consciously working on not snapping at her or reacting with such a short fuse and am, instead, only raising concerns when I feel they are real concerns and am only doing it with a calm, measured delivery, I receive a much more satisfactory response from my wife. This seems to mirror some of the experiences you have described with your husband.

4. Physical force or tirade

Okay, that's background to my question. You seem to indicate that you think the calm, direct verbal strength of will (rather than either physical force or tirade) allows you to respond in a happy, submissive way. As I understand your explanation (and I don't wish to put words in your mouth so please correct me if I mistate your experiences or thoughts), the reason you respond so well to your husband's new approach is because that approach does not trigger any sense of fear which a verbal tirade or physical show of force might. In other words, his calm, direct, verbally forceful demeanor not only clearly communicates his thoughts and guidance but also allows you to really hear him and follow that guidance without any concern or fear of harm to yourself. In other words, although you may be being disciplined or punished, you still feel safe and know that what is happening is for your own good and for the good of your marriage. Now here's my question. Your explanation sounds very reasonable to me. But I wonder whether there isn't at least one other reason (if not others) you respond so favorably to his new approach. The other reason I'm thinking of, and here's where I'm struggling to put it clearly and succinctly, is that such a delivery exhibits his quiet resolve that leaves no room for argument. In other words, he is laying down the law (in the nicest of ways, of course) that at some psychological level leaves you with the clear understanding that "this is the way it is" and that, as a result, "there will be no argument about this."

5. Emotional outrage & upset

I'm not sure I'm communicating this very clearly, but my thought is that such a calm, controlled, clear, direct delivery not only displaces any potential fear that may have arisen in you if delivered in a more hostile manner, but also sends a very strong message that there is nothing to discuss or challenge. It is absolute. It seems to me such a calm, direct delivery almost begs to be followed rather than challenged. Particuarly when delivered to a wife who is naturally independent and anti-authoritarian who may automatically rebel against any sort of overblown presentation of rules & decrees or emotional outrage & upset. My own wife always fights authority yet seems quite happy to follow my directions when delivered in a calm way especially when it is clear that it is for her own well-being and betterment. I guess I'm curious to hear from other women what they think of this. And I'm particularly interested to hear your thoughts, Louise, because so much of your descriptions of your situation seems to mirror that of my wife and my marriage. Sorry if this reads like a rambling post but I am working hard on being a better husband and much about the taken in hand approach seems so right for my marriage and the relationship dynamics that have worked well for me and my wife in the past. As others have said, so much about taken in hand is the way my wife and I had been doing certain things (although we've sort of fallen off the wagon for many years and are only now trying to get back on it) but we did not have any sort of name for it other than considering ourselves somehow more traditional. So, as an aside, thank you to everyone who posts on this forum as it is very helpful to hear from others what has worked and not worked for them and especially to hear from women their perspective on these issues.

6. Final Words

You wrote, "such a delivery exhibits his quiet resolve that leaves no room for argument. In other words, he is laying down the law (in the nicest of ways, of course) that at some psychological level leaves you with the clear understanding that "this is the way it is" and that, as a result, "there will be no argument about this." " I hadn't thought of it that way before. I think you're right. Personally, when a man retains his composure and remains unruffled it conveys that he is immovable. It’s like approaching the proverbial brick wall I guess. No use wasting your energy trying to push it over! When a man projects calm resolution he is operating from a position of strength. This approach also inspires confidence and it brings release – that is, release from the constant struggle for control of the relationship which can be emotionally exhausting for a woman.